Everything will surely be alright

I’m going through some stress in my life so if I am not online as much right now, it’s because I’m dealing with it. It’s taken me a while to try put together enough of a coherent thought, because it’s simpler to try distract myself with other things. I will be fine; eventually.

Yesterday I received some news that was something I’d been bracing for, but hoped I wouldn’t hear. And even if I had prepared myself for the possibility that this might happen, I was still caught off guard. The world, which had finally started to seem a bit steadier, seemed to shake under my feet once more.

That sliver of hope, gone again.

It’s never something I can control, of course; it’s just how capricious my life seems to be. It was nice, to dream a while – but reality is harsh and cruel – when will I learn that the brightness heralds sharp blades of pain?

I’ll bleed, hurt, and add new scars. What else are you supposed to do?

Someone asked me yesterday, how I was able to deal with my losses – losses that have driven others to suicide – and I shrugged, saying “What else can you do?” Because that’s the truth. You can pick yourself up again and try again, keep moving forward –

-or you can curl up and die.

I find that it’s more than that now though. I have no words to describe honestly how I feel right now, and the ones I have seem pithy – numb, stressed, worried for the future – so I won’t try. It doesn’t feel accurate.

I find that despite the setbacks in many plans for the future this news gives me, I find myself assessing now, ‘what can I do? What can I pick up and still use?’ Already I find myself slowly bracing myself once more against the shards of broken dreams, hopes and wishes, bracing myself to push myself upright again.

I can’t lie. I worry about the future. It’s hard to convince myself it’s not going to be harder from now on, harder to convince myself that it’ll be okay, we’ll scrape by somehow, even if I haven’t got the faintest idea how I’ll manage that.

They say time heals all wounds, but I have to say, what it does is give you perspective and distance from the hurts. You never really heal; the scars pinch and hurt, and occasionally bleed. In the meantime, you just have to survive one day at a time.

People say I have such strength. I’m not sure about that. I just try to survive one day at a time, handle one problem at a time. What else can I do? What else is anyone else supposed to be able to do?

I don’t want to curl up, give up and die – metaphorically or otherwise. But sometimes, I wish life would just… let me rest.

Realistically though – and I’m a veteran of realism treating me like a chew toy – you just gotta adapt. Just gotta push forward, keep going.

The alternative is not something I want to contemplate.

I’ll be fine. It’ll be okay. I know it will be.

9 thoughts on “Everything will surely be alright

  1. thephantom182

    Don’t do anything rash, is about all I can say.

    Want to read a book where nothing bad happens and everything turns out ok in the end? I have some here…

    Reply with green smoke. ~”D

    1. R.K. Modena Post author

      No fear of that, my friend! Things will just be a lot more difficult on my end, and busy. So, I have to focus on what I can. Sadly, that means no reading for fun for a while that isn’t a quick look at the blogs, and even that is going to be restricted due to time.

      hugs Thank you for worrying.

  2. Wyldkat

    {{hugs}}

    To paraphrase my dear grandmother, as long as you put one foot after the other, you can get through – don’t worry about how fast your going.

    or,
    If you’re going through hell
    Keep on going, don’t slow down
    If you’re scared, don’t show it
    You might get out before the devil even knows you’re there

  3. Foxfier

    hug

    We go in Monday to see if he made it through the first trimester.

    …I know that sometimes makes you feel better, hope to have good news to offer.

      1. Foxfier

        Aye aye.

        Wish we were close enough for me to throw a couple of the monsters your way, they’re sweet. Or at least one of the obnoxious beasts. (Our cats can SENSE when you don’t feel well.)

        1. R.K. Modena Post author

          chuckle The bird’s been a source of amusement for me lately. Watched him trying to groom Rhys, and when Rhys wasn’t being cooperative (stand still and get his 5-o’clock stubble groomed) Riley bumped his head into Rhys’ cheek and went ‘grrrrmp!’

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